Poppin’ Fresh vs. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man vs. Bibendum vs. Matt Foley

ROYAL RUMBLE!

In the red corner:

Poppin’ Fresh (a.k.a. The Pillsbury Doughboy)

Softness: 7
Chewiness: 6
Cuteness: 10
Dexterity: 8
Weakness: One shot to the stomach, and he’s down for the count.

In the yellow corner:

Bibendum (a.k.a. The Michelin Man)

Softness: 2
Chewiness: 10
Cuteness: 8
Dexterity: 5
Weakness: Possible gender identity issues resulting in the wearing of completely unnecessary scarves and ribbons.

In the blue corner:

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (a.k.a. Bob)

Softness: 10
Chewiness: 8
Cuteness: 8
Dexterity: 2
Weakness: Particle beams.

In the plaid corner:

Matt Foley

Softness: 4
Chewiness: 7
Cuteness: 1
Dexterity: 10
Weakness: Lacks obstacle-avoidance skills.

They’re all white guys with slow metabolisms. With the exception of Matt Foley, they’re all rich white guys with slow metabolisms. Mr. Stay Puft may have a slight size advantage over the others, but he also faces the highest tendency of melting under precipitation. Plus, his barbaric roar is clearly inferior to Poppin’ Fresh’s crippling laugh or Matt Foley’s didactic prowess.