Chuck Norris vs. Fate

In the white corner:

Chuck Norris

Athleticism: ∞
Awesomeness: ∞
Foreknowledge: ∞

And in the black corner:

Fate

Athleticism: Undefined
Awesomeness: Undefined
Foreknowledge: Undefined

Both are inescapable. Both defy human comprehension. One cannot even be expressed in a picture other than a cheesy crystal ball picture. The other looks back at you when you see his pictures – so be careful.

Does Fate have to ask Chuck Norris for permission? If so, is Chuck Norris destined to give a specific response?

(The Daily Duel staff officially advises against the real-world testing of this question, as it could result in a time-space paradox that would destroy the universe as we know it.)

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Poppin’ Fresh vs. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man vs. Bibendum vs. Matt Foley

ROYAL RUMBLE!

In the red corner:

Poppin’ Fresh (a.k.a. The Pillsbury Doughboy)

Softness: 7
Chewiness: 6
Cuteness: 10
Dexterity: 8
Weakness: One shot to the stomach, and he’s down for the count.

In the yellow corner:

Bibendum (a.k.a. The Michelin Man)

Softness: 2
Chewiness: 10
Cuteness: 8
Dexterity: 5
Weakness: Possible gender identity issues resulting in the wearing of completely unnecessary scarves and ribbons.

In the blue corner:

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (a.k.a. Bob)


Softness: 10
Chewiness: 8
Cuteness: 8
Dexterity: 2
Weakness: Particle beams.

In the plaid corner:

Matt Foley


Softness: 4
Chewiness: 7
Cuteness: 1
Dexterity: 10
Weakness: Lacks obstacle-avoidance skills.

They’re all white guys with slow metabolisms. With the exception of Matt Foley, they’re all rich white guys with slow metabolisms. Mr. Stay Puft may have a slight size advantage over the others, but he also faces the highest tendency of melting under precipitation. Plus, his barbaric roar is clearly inferior to Poppin’ Fresh’s crippling laugh or Matt Foley’s didactic prowess.

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Barack Obama vs. Captain Planet

In the blue corner:

Barack Obama

Speed: 6
Dexterity: 7
Pedantic Prowess: 9
Hipster Factor: 10
Superpower: ???????

 

And in the other blue corner:

Captain Planet

Speed: 9
Dexterity: 9
Pedantic Prowess: 5
Hipster Factor: 8
Superpower: ???????

That’s right: they actually do have a whole lot in common.

Both of them are superheroes, but no one seems to be able to tell me what their superpowers actually are.
Captain Planet is the first superhero to sport a green mullet. Barack Obama is the first person to get the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush.
Captain Planet is going to save the world from pollution. Barack Obama is going to save the world from prosperity.

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Care Bears vs. Thundercats

In the blue corner:

The Care Bears

Speed: 3
Strength: 2
Cuteness: 9
Smugness: 10
Predictability: 10
Punctuality: 9
Special abilities: Inexhaustible emotion-altering manipulation rays of fluffy mental death.

And in the red corner:

The Thundercats

Speed: 8
Strength: 7
Cuteness: 4
Smugness: 9
Predictability:  10
Punctuality: 2
Special abilities: Hand-to-hand combat, the Thundertank, and a jazz choir that is very good at repeating their team name at climactic moments.

In the first-ever Daily Duel, we see two furry giants of the 1980’s cartoon scene pitted against each other in mortal combat. Some may say that a closer match would be the Care Bears vs. the robot-teddy-bears-from-Thundercats-whose-name-nobody-remembers, but I think that the Thundercats can hold their own against the Great Fluffy Menace if they get in close quickly and take the fight to the ground.

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