Archive for November, 2010

iPhone vs. Swiss Army Knife

In the white corner:

The iPhone

Durability: 3
Functionality: 8
Elasticity: 1
Adaptability: 10

And in the red corner:

The Swiss Army Knife

Durability: 8
Functionality: 9
Elasticity: 1
Adaptability: 3

Does AT&T have coverage where you are stranded? If not, the winner is obvious. If so, it might not be so obvious, since I’m sure that there’s an iPhone app that alerts the Swiss Army of your position and condition and calls in an airstrike on the enemy.

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Darth Vader vs. Carl Jung

In the caliginous corner:

Darth Vader

Darkness: 9
Cynicism: 7
Sinister Genius: 9
Force Power of Choice: Long-distance strangulation.

And in the tenebrous corner:

Carl Jung

Darkness: 8
Cynicism: 8
Sinister Genius: 9
Force Power of Choice: Piercing Jedi glare that stews the brain.

They look very different, but they have the same message: Embrace the Dark Side or be destroyed!

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Chuck Norris vs. Fate

In the white corner:

Chuck Norris

Athleticism: ∞
Awesomeness: ∞
Foreknowledge: ∞

And in the black corner:

Fate

Athleticism: Undefined
Awesomeness: Undefined
Foreknowledge: Undefined

Both are inescapable. Both defy human comprehension. One cannot even be expressed in a picture other than a cheesy crystal ball picture. The other looks back at you when you see his pictures – so be careful.

Does Fate have to ask Chuck Norris for permission? If so, is Chuck Norris destined to give a specific response?

(The Daily Duel staff officially advises against the real-world testing of this question, as it could result in a time-space paradox that would destroy the universe as we know it.)

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Poppin’ Fresh vs. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man vs. Bibendum vs. Matt Foley

ROYAL RUMBLE!

In the red corner:

Poppin’ Fresh (a.k.a. The Pillsbury Doughboy)

Softness: 7
Chewiness: 6
Cuteness: 10
Dexterity: 8
Weakness: One shot to the stomach, and he’s down for the count.

In the yellow corner:

Bibendum (a.k.a. The Michelin Man)

Softness: 2
Chewiness: 10
Cuteness: 8
Dexterity: 5
Weakness: Possible gender identity issues resulting in the wearing of completely unnecessary scarves and ribbons.

In the blue corner:

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (a.k.a. Bob)


Softness: 10
Chewiness: 8
Cuteness: 8
Dexterity: 2
Weakness: Particle beams.

In the plaid corner:

Matt Foley


Softness: 4
Chewiness: 7
Cuteness: 1
Dexterity: 10
Weakness: Lacks obstacle-avoidance skills.

They’re all white guys with slow metabolisms. With the exception of Matt Foley, they’re all rich white guys with slow metabolisms. Mr. Stay Puft may have a slight size advantage over the others, but he also faces the highest tendency of melting under precipitation. Plus, his barbaric roar is clearly inferior to Poppin’ Fresh’s crippling laugh or Matt Foley’s didactic prowess.

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